You might be a Southern Baptist if:
- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.
One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. "There's the Catholics, there's the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians", and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. "Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they're the only ones in Heaven."
An airliner was taking off from Kenendy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Welcome to
flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.The weather ahead is good and
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.Now sit back and relax and
....OH MY GOD!"....
Silence followed.Then after a few seconds, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you
earlier, but while I was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup
of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap.
He chuckled and said,"You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in coach yelled loudly, "That's nothing. You should see the back
of mine!"
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have
been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have
to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had
to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with
brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we
wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat
is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you
doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
